A Strawberry Will Kill You Dead
by Bruce Stirling

 



     

The lights were burning bright at Fox Run Manor.

“Reg, the beef Wellington was superb.”

“Thank you, Noah. More claret?”

“Please. Excellent vintage that. Nutmeg and a slight hint of strawberry.”

“Indeed. Speaking of strawberries, Noah, did you know that the commercial strawberry, Fragaria ananassa, is the worst fruit you could ever possibly eat?”

"Really, Reg? Do tell?”

“Nothing to it, really. When growing strawberries, the farmer, poor sod, must protect his investment by employing a veritable Nile of pesticide to kill all those nasty little leaf-eating bugs.”

“And they are nasty, Reg. Despicable little brutes,they are.”

“I'll say. But hear me out. This self-same field hand must also employ untold gallons of fungicide to kill off any and all root-borne fungi.”

“Good Lord. A veritable chemical cocktail!”

“Ah, but it gets better. Both pesticide and fungicide,you see, are carcinogenic beyond all belief. Believe you me, a strawberry will kill you dead.”

“I raise my glass to you, Reg. Truly, you are a fount of knowledge.”

“Thank you, Noah. Now for dessert. I have a divine pear tart with a wonderful brandy sauce over vanilla ice cream or strawberry shortcake.”

"Oh, I just love a good pear tart. But it's strawberries for me, Reg."

“Excellent choice. Jenkins? We’ll both have the strawberry shortcake for our dessert.”

“Yes, me Lord.”

“More claret, Noah?”

“Rather.”

“Now where was I?"

“A strawberry will kill you dead.”

“Right. Now about the spinach in the salad you just ate.”

“Good God, Reg. Do tell?”


 

 

 

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Bruce Stirling's short stories appear in Bewildering Stories, Defenestration, Opium, Thieves Jargon, Twisted Tongue, and Eclectica.




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